The loss continues.

Yesterday was a hard day. Back to work and I just didn't feel quite right. I am still trying to figure out a routine for food and water. Plus I was so bloated and uncomfortable. The "heartburn" continued. I ended up going home early. Trying to take a nap. But I was just cranky and uncomfortable and miserable. I really hadn't eaten much. Mom dragged me to the grocery store and we bought smoothie stuff and jello and things I could eat. The trip was hard because I was so shaky. I went home and ate a bit. Drank water. Ate some mashed potatoes off my mom's plate, just a few spoonfuls, I felt so much better. But everything started moving after that. Several bathroom trips, and lots of gas passed. Even the bubble in my chest started to go away. Feeling better.
I took pain meds to go to sleep and felt mush better by bed time.
Today I am at work and I think I can pull through the whole day. (If everyone in the room would shut up!)

I really need to stop looking at the scale but it is so cool to see it going down instead of UP! 291.8 today!!!!!!! Woohoo! From my admited highest - that is 18.2 lbs!

Back to Work

Sort of. I am so tired and very achy off the pain med, but if I take the pain meds I can't drive.

I don't care about telling people my numbers now because they are going down. 294.2 today!! Woohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing. I need to drink more water. Flush everything out. I have itty bitty goals. I hit the first one on the day of surgery, 299. Under 300! I was sooooo happy. The next goal is 290. (It was going to be 295 but I already passed that!). 275 is the next BIG goal.

All the discomfort is worth it. Of course being the total paranoid worry wart that I am, any ache is - Oh My God! Did I do something wrong? Did something slip! Oh Shit! But mom tell's me it is most likely the aneastheia and the air they blew into me working its way out. Hope so! I can't afford a second surgery!

3 days Post.

The surgery is done. No turning back now. I have lost 10 lbs since the Pre-Op diet started. I am extremely tired as the anestheia gets out of my system. I didn't write in the last few weeks. I had lots of mixed feeling but all very enthusiastic. The worst part was the writing of the 2 checks. And maybe not eating for a week.

9 days

This is me. December 2007.
Soon to be smaller and healthier!

10 days

10 days until surgery. 3 days until I start my low carb clear liqued pre-op diet. I really think that is going to be the hardest part. But I am ready. I have been walking more, I have purchased some better shoes. I have figured out what is wrong with my heel - plantar fasciitis. Ohhh it hurts, but I have stretches for it now. Losing weight will definately help!

After the last pre-op appt. I got a little worried about recovery, but I am still ready. I can do this. Nothing I can do but do this.

I have a few things left to do on the house before mom gets here. I still haven't emptied the storage unit. I know I should save the money but I just don't want to deal with more STUFF. I am still trying to purge the stuff that is in the TH right now. There are a few things I need out of there but I don't know if I will get them out before yet. I have already given up on getting my room purged and clean - but I have a cheat that I am working on for that mess, it is called "shove everything in the closet and close the door". It may work.

Activities to keep my mind occupied...

...and get my body moving.

Mom is coming to visit the weekend of the surgery. The last time she visited I was very depressed and didn't want to do anything. Her visit helped make me feel better, but once she left I felt bad I didn't show her the sites. There are so many things to do around here in the DC area and beyond. Even going and seeing the museums I worked on. So this time, even though I will be right out of surgery, I made plans. I am supposed to be moving around anyway. The plan I am most proud of is tickets to the King Tut Exhibit at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. When I was little I remember a family trip to Chicago to see the exhibit then (in the 70s) we waited in this HUGE line for hours, but we never got in. Mom was disappointed. She has always had a thing for archeology and Egypt. So when the exhibit announced it was coming around again, I had to get tickets. It will mean 6 hours in the car but it will make mom really happy, and I am excited to see the exhibit as well. On the way up to Philly, I plan to stop in Baltimore so we can visit the Reginald F. Lewis Museum, the one I worked on, so mom can see it. Plus I haven't seen it since it opened, only pre-opening. For the rest of the weekend I hope to take in some DC sites, the Cherry Blossom Festival is ongoing and the blooms are out, I was thinking about a bus tour of DC, and perhaps the SPY museum as well. It should be a tiring weekend.

22 days

22 days til the surgery. Just enough time to get nervous. But I am ready - let's go. I have been doing well with the purging and cleaning of the house. Moving furniture so I have room to exercise and just LIVE. But I need to actually START WALKING! I gotta get my circulation moving. Everything else is going well, I have the right foods in the house. I have plans for when mom comes to visit (lots of activities to keep my mind off food, pain, etc.). I am not sure what mom will eat yet, she can have whatever, I am sure after the surgery I won't be feeling like eating, and by the time she gets here I will be well into my clear liquid pre-op phase. I have found 3 really good cookbooks (I love cookbooks anyway) that will help to add variety:

Cooking With Soul
Recipies for Life After Weight Loss Surgery
Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery: Over 140 Delicious Low-Fat High-Protein Recipes to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years After Surgery


Funny - I was always very anti-Atkins and now my diet will be very similar to that for the rest of my life... protein first... very low carbs...

All clear.

I have been cleared... psychologically, fitness and physically/medically. My parents have helped me with the money. And now I have my final dates. My pre-op is March 27 and my surgical date is April 12. Here we go.
I have started my exercise regime. I have found a home for the cat. It's all about me now. Me, me, me.

Focus.

One step closer.

I called today and made my last pre op appointment that is outside of the Surgery Room. It is on Monday. It is all the EKG and Blood Work plus my letter of clearance. I took my measurements Sunday. I am starting to move more. I have started writing down everything that goes in my mouth (using dailyplate.com). I am positive and ready. Woohoo! Let's go!

Cowboy Up!

I need to call the doctor today. I need to discuss the self pay and get going. I have procrastinated for a week. I need to get going.

Almost There....

I am very lucky. Both my parents are being very supportive. Mentally and financially. The insurance not going through put me in a rough patch but I am digging out of it. I have talked to some finance people and both of the folks. I am almost there. I just have to organze it all.

I need to take measurments to track my progress. I need to start on my exercises and treadmill again. I need to organize and clean the house so I don't have to worry about that while I am working through all this. I have started on that already. I have a few food staples to get: broth, low sodium V-8, low carb soy milk.

I bought the first round of protein shakes from Unjury. I have started using them to get more protien and start "eating" breakfast again. I drink them when I haven't eaten to get something in my system. They only thing I need to do now is get off of 2% milk. This will be hard. It was one thing I wouldn't give up while dieting. I love milk and I love 2%. More to the point I hate skim. I have some Hood Calorie Countdown to get used to and I may try some soy milk. I can tolerate that stuff. Its a consistency issue.

I have been very good about not falling into the "Last Supper" trap. Although I have been induldging in things I don't think I will be eating for awhile but not to any excess. While doing that I have been practicing eating protien first, then "good carbs" veggies and some fruit. Been chewing thoroughly. In doing so I eat slower and get full faster. I had to keep eating "well" because I was afriad I wouldn't be able to afford the surgery so I have been keeping down the "diet" path (for lack of a better word).

My next move is trying to figure out what I need to eat in a day (calorie, protien, fat and carb wise) and how to sort all that out and come up with a schedule that will work for me. I have to plan plan plan.

Brilliant Idea... but will it work

In the pondering of how am I going to find the money to do this, why do I want to add more debt to my life, what about that house you want to buy, when will this all work out, I can up with an idea. I brilliant idea. Maybe.

I call the labband financing number to see what they say, they got me in touch with a lender. Sun Trust Bank. I talked to the woman about my options - collateral loans vs. non collateral loans. What I can use for collateral (my car) and how long it would take to pay back. OK, something to think about.

Then I was thinking - why use a new bank who doesn't know me? So I contacted my financial guy who set up my IRA, the guy who knows how much money I have and how much money I make. He in turn found a loan guy for me to talk to. I hope to talk to him soon. He can tell me what I can borrow and what I can use for collateral... etc.

So here is my brilliant idea. I want to buy a house or condo or something. Especially if I am going to be here for a few years. The prices are way better than they were last year. I am a first time buyer, a female first time buyer. So why can't I process a home loan and use $20K to get my surgury and the rest to buy the condo?

WHY

"The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of the freedom - courage." - Thueydides

Because I want to be healthy.

Because I am tired of losing the battle against the scale.

Because I want to travel with ease.

Because I don't want my back to hurt anymore.

Because I don't want my feet and joints to hurt.

Because I don't want to have to go to the bathroom every 2 hours. (my friend pointed out that this is probably because of my blood pressure meds - but either way it comes back to being over weight.)

Because I don't want to have to take any pills for anything any more (cholesterol, blood pressure, depression....)

Because I don't want to be tired for no reason anymore (or lethargic, or sleepy...)

Because I want to be able to shop anywhere and wear anything I want.

Because I want to learn and do cool things like SCUBA diving and swing dance.

Because I never want to be held back for any reason, especially my appearance.

Because I never want to hear "you have such a pretty face..." ever again.

Because I never want to have a dicussion about losing weight with anyone EVER again.

Because I don't want to struggle against my evil metabolism ever again.

Because I am tired of gaining weight even though I am trying to lose.

Because I am tired of spending money on the never ending fight against gaining and the fight to lose.

Because I need help and this (the lap band) will always be with me.

Because I want to dance.

Because I want mom to do it too.

Because I want to dance.

Because I want my life back, the fat can't have it.

The money struggle.

With the exclusion clause in my insurance I am in search of funding. The Lap-Band website had some interesting links about financing and being able to claim this cost on taxes. I had a conversion with my dad that I thought I was ready for but I guess I wasn't because I couldn't answer the questions he asked. I had to go back and research and think about them.

Q: Is the surgery guaranteed? Meaning, with there be weight loss if you shell out $20K?
A: Nothing is 100%. You definately had to have your mind set right (which I finally do) and adhere to a program of eating and exercising - which I am already adjusting to. Can you slip in high calorie milk shakes and sabotage your success? Yes. The main selling point, for me, is not the weight LOSS, but the PERMANENT weight loss. This surgery, this tool, makes it possible for you to MAINTAIN this eating style and weight loss.

Q: Is this what you want?
A: Yes. Again, I have already started (yet again) to change my eating habits and exercise regime. I am doing well and slowly losing weight, but even in my attempt I am stuggling - not to eat less but against the caveman body instinct to hold on to what it has. Which was explained in the seminar... your body is still caveman-like - it knows it wants to survive and when you deprive it, it will hold on to what it has... and after years of doing this - it just does it automatically - in times of famine and excess. Mostly excess. This tool, along with the program, nutritionist, exercise encouragement, support groups etc. not to mention the emotional and psychological process of getting to this decision being in the frame of mind to FINALLY GET THIS DONE, will help you overcome the caveman.

I have a list of "Why's". Why I want this. I finally sat down and wrote them all out. And more come to me everyday. I will list them in the next post.

SET BACK AND DEVASTATION

My insurance sucks. They have an exclusion for morbid obesity. That means they not only will not pay for the surgery - but I can't argue to get them to change their minds. It is not a denial, its an exclusion. On to Plan B. More correctly - on to planning Plan B. I will need to talk to my father, and I have a number for a place that finances the Lap-Band - more debt is always high on my priority list (add sarcastic tone here).

In the meantime, I am overcoming the debilitating depression that has gripped me the last few months (better living through pharmacology). With less depression in my life, I can concentrate and focus full bore on diet and exercise. I am working on cleaning this weekend and setting up and exercise area (again) and I have already been eating way better in the last few months - lack of appetite from depression (which is odd for me - usually it goes the other way around) plus just more of a focus on protien and veggies... I think one of my new meds has given me an aversion to carbs and sweets which is way OK with me.

So even though I have been given this blow, I am not down and definately not out. I will keep going without the lapband, keep working on funding for it, but maybe I will find a way beyond it. The biggest problems are the plataeus and the regaining. So let's see how it goes.

Weekly Freak Out.

Welcome to my weekly freakout.

I haven't heard about insurance coverage yet. Which of course gives me more time to contemplate the whole thing. Surgery - ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What if I don't recover well, what if I can't eat, what if it doesn't work? Slowly my depression is coming under control but I am still freaking out about everything. I have been reading more and more and all the warnings and worst case scenarios are just FREAKING. ME. OUT. I am trying to focus on all the good, and my constant mantra is if I could have done it on my own I would have done it by now. I am reading one of the books I mentioned before, Exodus From Obesity... which is kindof helping except that she had had the actual invasive gastric bypass - so not quite the same. However - she suggests to write a "Dear Me" letter, to write out all the reasons why I am doing this, all the things I want for myself, etc. I will post it once I write it, it will be an emotional step.

9 lbs

I have lost 9 lbs since I have been home at Christmas. 9 lbs. YEA! And this is BEFORE the surgery. WOOHOO! Any little bit helps. Once I get the depression under control I hope to start my exercising again. I am going to start walking around the back warehouse at work. I just need to keep moving for about 20 - 30 minutes. If I do a few 10 minute walks throughout the day - that can't hurt. Plus I wanna start my Yoga Booty Ballet and my Turbo Jam DVDs again.

Reading List.

I was starting to freak out a bit. You are all gung-ho and then you have all the hoops to jump through. Talk to the nutritionist, the psychologist, the doctor, do the barium swallow, do the various lab tests (about 10), submit to insurance and wait. And wait. And wait. I finally made the decision to do this. I have 20 + years of yo-yo dieting to overcome - LET'S GO!!

So being in that extra depressed state, I start talking my self out of things. I don't want surgery. I have never had any major medical thing wrong with me or done to me. What if I can't deal with the pain, what if I can't make the changes. Oh my goodness, fret, fret, fret. I can do this on my own. I can get it off by myself, I don't need this. But, Thank God!, I always have a Jiminy Cricket in there, way back in the depths of my head, behind all the frets and worries. If I could do it by myself, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW! I have lost before, but it always comes back and with friends. So I started doing more research for online supports and books I could buy and read and just keep myself on track.

Here are the books I am reading now:
Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding - Jessie H. Ahroni, Ph.D., A.R.N.P.

Life After Gastric Bypass - Katrina Segrave, RD, LDN, CSCS

Exodus from Obesity - The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery - Paula F. Peck, R.N.

Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery (140 Delicious Low-Fat, High-Protein Recipies to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years after Surgery) - Patt Levine & Michele Bontempo-Saray

Psych Eval

I have been psychologically cleared for the surgery! Woohoo! The Psychologist went through my tests with me. She was nice but I always hate going to a new person because you have to rehash stuff you have already dealt with. My testing showed over all I have it together. I am a little compulsive but that can be a good thing when adjusting to the surgery and all the behavioral changes I need to comply with to succeed. I am dealing well with anxiety these days. I am having "depression breaking through my meds". Which means I am more depressed than my medicine (or current dosage) can deal with. Well, duh! I didn't like it when my doctor had changed my medicine because I usually gain a lot of weight during those changes. And I did gain about 15 lbs in that last change but it was the trigger that made me start down this path so what can you say? Maybe it was meant to be. I have just been beginning to realize that the meds aren't quite right. It always takes me awhile to adjust to them. I noticed that before the switch I was more apt to go do something new, hang out with friends, initiate outings, etc. Now I am so tired and down that any opportunity to stay home and preferably in bed is a good thing. Even to the point I rather stay home then go to work. Not because work is bad (anymore) but because I am just tired.

We are hoping that losing weight will alleviate a lot of the depression and anxiety. It is an eternal conundrum for me - what came first - the depression or the fat? I have always had some sort of depression since high school. I have also always been on some sort of diet - usually spurred on by my father - since about age 13. So really - what came first - the depression or the fat/diet? Since both started at the same time I find it hard to discern between the two. I hope that eventually I can regulate depression with out medicine... but until then I do not look down on better living through pharmacy... especially if it gets me out of the house.

I have another doctor's appointment Friday that I hope will deal with my medical clearance, my final labs and my dosage. I need to be able to do more than sleep when I am at home. I need to clean house. I also need to call the Surgeon's office and check on insurance and see how that is going. Just one more step.

Psych Testing

Today I forked over a lot of money to go to my Doctor's preferred psychologist. 4 standardized, fill in the blank psychological tests. 3 hours. (It was supposed to take 4 hours but I am fast!) The office manager was very nice and she had the lapband about 20 months ago. She is very happy and loves the progress she made. She has about 15 pounds to her goal but she looks awesome. She showed me a before picture. She is a little person - short and petite. She did a good job and it is encouraging to see those success stories.

I have a follow up next week. I go to my own therapist this week. I bought some books on Amazon on the surgery and getting through it and recipies etc. I will let you know if they are any good. Long ago I read Carnie Wilson's book. It helped me rule out gastric bypass but it helped my cousin make the choice to do it.

The Nutritionist

Thursday I had a meeting with the Nutritionist. I was a bit worried she was going to look at what I eat and go... well there is your problem, what the hell do you think you are doing? Instead she was great. Very encouraging. About the way I am dealing with things now, the path I am on, and the future. She liked that I can cook - that makes it easier to make nutritous food, less processed foods. She liked that I have already been working on change and that I look at this procedure as a tool to help me succeed!

So all is well. I have lots to read (lots of nutrition info) and a few things to purchase (chewable vitamins and some protein shakes).

Next step - Psychologist.

Barium Swallow

The barium swallow was not as tramatic as I expected. It tasted nasty, yes. The "evervesant" granuals almost made me vomit but I survived! The good news! No esophagial damage. So hoop #1 A-OK. Yea!

Next stop, nutritionist today.

Continuing On

I have set up tons of appointments! I had to talk to my boss and just give him a heads up to why I have so many appointments coming up. He is a good guy and let me get by on a really vague explanation. Which is cool because I still want to keep all this close to the vest as possible. Especially with health insurance still up in the air. I have a barium swall tomorrow AM (yum) and an appointment with a nutritionist on Thursday afternoon (funny since I couldn't get insurance to pay for THAT before). Next week starts a psych eval and then I have a bunch of prelim labs to do.

I had a good talk with my dad yesterday. He is super supportive. Which is nice but a long, hard time coming - not for the surgery but for weigh issues in general. He was the one who put me on my first diet so many years ago (OVER 20!)... whew... who knew what a hellish metabolic rollercoaster it would be. Shoot, the coaster is on the bottom, lowest, "get-off-the-ride" coast right now as my metabolism has been dead for years. But, that is what I am doing here, right? Getting off the ride.

I will let you know how the appointments go.

The Consult.

The first appointment was pretty anticlimatic. 2 hours of waiting for 15 minutes of talking. woohoo. Basically they are going to start the inquiry to the insurance company. Which is a relief. So now I will be on pins and needles while I wait for that. Depending on the outcome I may have to work on "Plan B". Which would be self-pay and figuring out how to do that as the fees are due at time of procedure.

In the meantime I have some "homework" to do. Some medical tests and a psych eval. Unfortunately I have to go to a new Psychologist - theirs, as my therapist won't do. :( Oh well - it's all a part of the process.

I did show the nurse some pictures. She is very nice I like her. I clamed right up when the Doctor came in. I don't have any questions so I had nothing to say to him.

I showed the nurse the 2 pictures from the weddings that just appall me - when did I become 3 people?! She was sure that I had LOST weight since those pictures were taken - which was about 6 - 7 months ago. Which, with all my med problems this fall, I highly doubted. I mean, shoving yourself into a lavender strapless bridesmaid dress may add 20 pounds. Especially when it looks fabulous on the size 4 bridesmaid next to you. She may add another 20 pounds to you just by comparison. Anyway... I also showed her a picture from right after college graduation. I was about a size 13/14 then... and I thought I was huge. Little did I know! I was damn cute then. I told her I would like to get back there. She said we could do it and probably smaller. I told her I don't know from smaller - I don't remember smaller - I passed it so fast on the way up the scale.

A New Me - Post 1

I am about to start on a new path in my life. I have only told the closest people in my life about this and even not all of them. 4 people. Mom, Dad, Lisa (the surrogate younger sis), and my therapist - Susan. That is it. And now you - whoever is reading this blog.

Last year, on December 6, 2006 I went to a seminar regarding the Lapband Surgery. It is a less invasive weight loss surgery. In the past I had done a ton of research on Gastric Bypass, including reading Carnie Wilson's book. And while I found some solice in her struggle - I could not bring myself to embrace that decision. I could not bring myself to accept changing the basic anatomy of my body. There were so many other factors I could not reconcile to live with. It was not reversable, it had a high complication rate, the recovery was long, the time to be out of work was long, it was expensive, there may be a need for plastic surgery later, the support system was lacking.... on and on...

I know people who have had this surgery and it changed their lives, but I was not willing to make the sacrifices and take the risks for the possible outcome.

The past 2 years have been a struggle... weight has ALWAYS been a struggle. But the past 2 years the more I tried, the more my body rallied against me, the more control over my calories, the more plataues and gains. Medicine changes equaled weight gain even though I had been taking in less than 800 calories. Exercise was a struggle. The constant question of what comes first the depression or the fat. Struggling with the pain and fatigue that came with the depression made exercise a larger struggle. Where ever I asked for help - I found dead ends... my insurance doesn't cover a nutritionist, my new doctor is just worried about the meds I am taking - not the side effects. My last doctor had went on sabatical. I really liked her, she made me feel like we were in this together. She had went to the seminar I had mentioned above way before I considered going. She had given me Dr. Eric Pinnar's name scrawled on a card. I still have that card. I have been dragging it around with me for over a year.

So the time had finally come. I guess I had reached my rock bottom. The turning point. I called for a place in the next seminar. And I waited for the day to come. Little did I know I would find what I was looking for. A ray of hope.

I sat in the seminar listening to Dr. Pinnar as he explained how our bodies worked, how he knew we could lose weight... we had done it before. But our bodies were built for the Stone Age. They weren't built to lose weight, they were built to sustain weight and hold it for the lean times. But lean times don't come to us in this world. He explained all the options for surgery. There are 4, but the most safe and most common are the Gastric Bypass and the Lapband. In America the Gastric Bypass equals 95% of all weight loss surgeries - while everywhere else in the world - the Lapband is 95%. Go figure Americans will choose the most elaborate way to do something. As Dr. Pinnar spoke he addressed every single one of the issues I had with gastric bypass. Infection, time, cost, support. All of it. If a ray of light came down and angels sang it would have been appropriate. So I took home the packet, made copies for my mom and my dad, scheduled an appointment with the doctor and hoped and prayed.

I had talked to the therapist and she was quite impressed. My knowledge is thorough. My resolve strong. She said I could probably give the seminar myself!

I went home for Christmas. I talked with both my mom and my dad. About all my concerns, all the reasons why I believed this was a good idea, all the reasons why I wanted to do this. Bottom line: this was the tool I needed to succeed. It was the whole package, the tool, the support, a new life. Sign me up. The only thing I am worried about now is cost (which is considerably less than Gastric Bypass but still a chunck of change in my world). I am hoping insurance will cover some of it, but heck, it wouldn't pay for a nutritionist!

So here we are today. January 2, 2007. 3 p.m. My first consult with Dr. Eric Pinnar. The first step.

I hope to continue to blog about my travels down this path. The ups and downs, the struggles and successes. I am ready. Hold on, here we go.