Weekly Freak Out.

Welcome to my weekly freakout.

I haven't heard about insurance coverage yet. Which of course gives me more time to contemplate the whole thing. Surgery - ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What if I don't recover well, what if I can't eat, what if it doesn't work? Slowly my depression is coming under control but I am still freaking out about everything. I have been reading more and more and all the warnings and worst case scenarios are just FREAKING. ME. OUT. I am trying to focus on all the good, and my constant mantra is if I could have done it on my own I would have done it by now. I am reading one of the books I mentioned before, Exodus From Obesity... which is kindof helping except that she had had the actual invasive gastric bypass - so not quite the same. However - she suggests to write a "Dear Me" letter, to write out all the reasons why I am doing this, all the things I want for myself, etc. I will post it once I write it, it will be an emotional step.

9 lbs

I have lost 9 lbs since I have been home at Christmas. 9 lbs. YEA! And this is BEFORE the surgery. WOOHOO! Any little bit helps. Once I get the depression under control I hope to start my exercising again. I am going to start walking around the back warehouse at work. I just need to keep moving for about 20 - 30 minutes. If I do a few 10 minute walks throughout the day - that can't hurt. Plus I wanna start my Yoga Booty Ballet and my Turbo Jam DVDs again.

Reading List.

I was starting to freak out a bit. You are all gung-ho and then you have all the hoops to jump through. Talk to the nutritionist, the psychologist, the doctor, do the barium swallow, do the various lab tests (about 10), submit to insurance and wait. And wait. And wait. I finally made the decision to do this. I have 20 + years of yo-yo dieting to overcome - LET'S GO!!

So being in that extra depressed state, I start talking my self out of things. I don't want surgery. I have never had any major medical thing wrong with me or done to me. What if I can't deal with the pain, what if I can't make the changes. Oh my goodness, fret, fret, fret. I can do this on my own. I can get it off by myself, I don't need this. But, Thank God!, I always have a Jiminy Cricket in there, way back in the depths of my head, behind all the frets and worries. If I could do it by myself, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW! I have lost before, but it always comes back and with friends. So I started doing more research for online supports and books I could buy and read and just keep myself on track.

Here are the books I am reading now:
Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding - Jessie H. Ahroni, Ph.D., A.R.N.P.

Life After Gastric Bypass - Katrina Segrave, RD, LDN, CSCS

Exodus from Obesity - The Guide to Long-Term Success After Weight Loss Surgery - Paula F. Peck, R.N.

Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery (140 Delicious Low-Fat, High-Protein Recipies to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years after Surgery) - Patt Levine & Michele Bontempo-Saray

Psych Eval

I have been psychologically cleared for the surgery! Woohoo! The Psychologist went through my tests with me. She was nice but I always hate going to a new person because you have to rehash stuff you have already dealt with. My testing showed over all I have it together. I am a little compulsive but that can be a good thing when adjusting to the surgery and all the behavioral changes I need to comply with to succeed. I am dealing well with anxiety these days. I am having "depression breaking through my meds". Which means I am more depressed than my medicine (or current dosage) can deal with. Well, duh! I didn't like it when my doctor had changed my medicine because I usually gain a lot of weight during those changes. And I did gain about 15 lbs in that last change but it was the trigger that made me start down this path so what can you say? Maybe it was meant to be. I have just been beginning to realize that the meds aren't quite right. It always takes me awhile to adjust to them. I noticed that before the switch I was more apt to go do something new, hang out with friends, initiate outings, etc. Now I am so tired and down that any opportunity to stay home and preferably in bed is a good thing. Even to the point I rather stay home then go to work. Not because work is bad (anymore) but because I am just tired.

We are hoping that losing weight will alleviate a lot of the depression and anxiety. It is an eternal conundrum for me - what came first - the depression or the fat? I have always had some sort of depression since high school. I have also always been on some sort of diet - usually spurred on by my father - since about age 13. So really - what came first - the depression or the fat/diet? Since both started at the same time I find it hard to discern between the two. I hope that eventually I can regulate depression with out medicine... but until then I do not look down on better living through pharmacy... especially if it gets me out of the house.

I have another doctor's appointment Friday that I hope will deal with my medical clearance, my final labs and my dosage. I need to be able to do more than sleep when I am at home. I need to clean house. I also need to call the Surgeon's office and check on insurance and see how that is going. Just one more step.

Psych Testing

Today I forked over a lot of money to go to my Doctor's preferred psychologist. 4 standardized, fill in the blank psychological tests. 3 hours. (It was supposed to take 4 hours but I am fast!) The office manager was very nice and she had the lapband about 20 months ago. She is very happy and loves the progress she made. She has about 15 pounds to her goal but she looks awesome. She showed me a before picture. She is a little person - short and petite. She did a good job and it is encouraging to see those success stories.

I have a follow up next week. I go to my own therapist this week. I bought some books on Amazon on the surgery and getting through it and recipies etc. I will let you know if they are any good. Long ago I read Carnie Wilson's book. It helped me rule out gastric bypass but it helped my cousin make the choice to do it.

The Nutritionist

Thursday I had a meeting with the Nutritionist. I was a bit worried she was going to look at what I eat and go... well there is your problem, what the hell do you think you are doing? Instead she was great. Very encouraging. About the way I am dealing with things now, the path I am on, and the future. She liked that I can cook - that makes it easier to make nutritous food, less processed foods. She liked that I have already been working on change and that I look at this procedure as a tool to help me succeed!

So all is well. I have lots to read (lots of nutrition info) and a few things to purchase (chewable vitamins and some protein shakes).

Next step - Psychologist.

Barium Swallow

The barium swallow was not as tramatic as I expected. It tasted nasty, yes. The "evervesant" granuals almost made me vomit but I survived! The good news! No esophagial damage. So hoop #1 A-OK. Yea!

Next stop, nutritionist today.

Continuing On

I have set up tons of appointments! I had to talk to my boss and just give him a heads up to why I have so many appointments coming up. He is a good guy and let me get by on a really vague explanation. Which is cool because I still want to keep all this close to the vest as possible. Especially with health insurance still up in the air. I have a barium swall tomorrow AM (yum) and an appointment with a nutritionist on Thursday afternoon (funny since I couldn't get insurance to pay for THAT before). Next week starts a psych eval and then I have a bunch of prelim labs to do.

I had a good talk with my dad yesterday. He is super supportive. Which is nice but a long, hard time coming - not for the surgery but for weigh issues in general. He was the one who put me on my first diet so many years ago (OVER 20!)... whew... who knew what a hellish metabolic rollercoaster it would be. Shoot, the coaster is on the bottom, lowest, "get-off-the-ride" coast right now as my metabolism has been dead for years. But, that is what I am doing here, right? Getting off the ride.

I will let you know how the appointments go.

The Consult.

The first appointment was pretty anticlimatic. 2 hours of waiting for 15 minutes of talking. woohoo. Basically they are going to start the inquiry to the insurance company. Which is a relief. So now I will be on pins and needles while I wait for that. Depending on the outcome I may have to work on "Plan B". Which would be self-pay and figuring out how to do that as the fees are due at time of procedure.

In the meantime I have some "homework" to do. Some medical tests and a psych eval. Unfortunately I have to go to a new Psychologist - theirs, as my therapist won't do. :( Oh well - it's all a part of the process.

I did show the nurse some pictures. She is very nice I like her. I clamed right up when the Doctor came in. I don't have any questions so I had nothing to say to him.

I showed the nurse the 2 pictures from the weddings that just appall me - when did I become 3 people?! She was sure that I had LOST weight since those pictures were taken - which was about 6 - 7 months ago. Which, with all my med problems this fall, I highly doubted. I mean, shoving yourself into a lavender strapless bridesmaid dress may add 20 pounds. Especially when it looks fabulous on the size 4 bridesmaid next to you. She may add another 20 pounds to you just by comparison. Anyway... I also showed her a picture from right after college graduation. I was about a size 13/14 then... and I thought I was huge. Little did I know! I was damn cute then. I told her I would like to get back there. She said we could do it and probably smaller. I told her I don't know from smaller - I don't remember smaller - I passed it so fast on the way up the scale.

A New Me - Post 1

I am about to start on a new path in my life. I have only told the closest people in my life about this and even not all of them. 4 people. Mom, Dad, Lisa (the surrogate younger sis), and my therapist - Susan. That is it. And now you - whoever is reading this blog.

Last year, on December 6, 2006 I went to a seminar regarding the Lapband Surgery. It is a less invasive weight loss surgery. In the past I had done a ton of research on Gastric Bypass, including reading Carnie Wilson's book. And while I found some solice in her struggle - I could not bring myself to embrace that decision. I could not bring myself to accept changing the basic anatomy of my body. There were so many other factors I could not reconcile to live with. It was not reversable, it had a high complication rate, the recovery was long, the time to be out of work was long, it was expensive, there may be a need for plastic surgery later, the support system was lacking.... on and on...

I know people who have had this surgery and it changed their lives, but I was not willing to make the sacrifices and take the risks for the possible outcome.

The past 2 years have been a struggle... weight has ALWAYS been a struggle. But the past 2 years the more I tried, the more my body rallied against me, the more control over my calories, the more plataues and gains. Medicine changes equaled weight gain even though I had been taking in less than 800 calories. Exercise was a struggle. The constant question of what comes first the depression or the fat. Struggling with the pain and fatigue that came with the depression made exercise a larger struggle. Where ever I asked for help - I found dead ends... my insurance doesn't cover a nutritionist, my new doctor is just worried about the meds I am taking - not the side effects. My last doctor had went on sabatical. I really liked her, she made me feel like we were in this together. She had went to the seminar I had mentioned above way before I considered going. She had given me Dr. Eric Pinnar's name scrawled on a card. I still have that card. I have been dragging it around with me for over a year.

So the time had finally come. I guess I had reached my rock bottom. The turning point. I called for a place in the next seminar. And I waited for the day to come. Little did I know I would find what I was looking for. A ray of hope.

I sat in the seminar listening to Dr. Pinnar as he explained how our bodies worked, how he knew we could lose weight... we had done it before. But our bodies were built for the Stone Age. They weren't built to lose weight, they were built to sustain weight and hold it for the lean times. But lean times don't come to us in this world. He explained all the options for surgery. There are 4, but the most safe and most common are the Gastric Bypass and the Lapband. In America the Gastric Bypass equals 95% of all weight loss surgeries - while everywhere else in the world - the Lapband is 95%. Go figure Americans will choose the most elaborate way to do something. As Dr. Pinnar spoke he addressed every single one of the issues I had with gastric bypass. Infection, time, cost, support. All of it. If a ray of light came down and angels sang it would have been appropriate. So I took home the packet, made copies for my mom and my dad, scheduled an appointment with the doctor and hoped and prayed.

I had talked to the therapist and she was quite impressed. My knowledge is thorough. My resolve strong. She said I could probably give the seminar myself!

I went home for Christmas. I talked with both my mom and my dad. About all my concerns, all the reasons why I believed this was a good idea, all the reasons why I wanted to do this. Bottom line: this was the tool I needed to succeed. It was the whole package, the tool, the support, a new life. Sign me up. The only thing I am worried about now is cost (which is considerably less than Gastric Bypass but still a chunck of change in my world). I am hoping insurance will cover some of it, but heck, it wouldn't pay for a nutritionist!

So here we are today. January 2, 2007. 3 p.m. My first consult with Dr. Eric Pinnar. The first step.

I hope to continue to blog about my travels down this path. The ups and downs, the struggles and successes. I am ready. Hold on, here we go.